


Tell me you need me

by hazzard



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, who is surprised
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2017-06-26
Packaged: 2018-11-19 02:41:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11304051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hazzard/pseuds/hazzard
Summary: In which they need each other.





	Tell me you need me

She needed him. She needed him to be happy, to be alive. But she also needed _him._  Physically, him. She needed him, his body, smile, smell, dorky comments and sparkling eyes, to be as close as possible, at all times. They were friends and there were lines that hadn’t been, and shouldn’t be, crossed but she was stupid and she loved him and his smirk made her happy, made the world make sense and she needed him, she needed him, she-

He’d left. She shouldn’t blame him, shouldn’t be mad. She knew he’d been stretched out as thin he could before he’d break, she knew he hadn’t slept a full nights sleep in three months, she knew he’d ran on empty fuel and it’d been only a matter of time before he’d either blow to pieces or give up, and she shouldn’t be mad at him for choosing to continue surviving.

But damn, she was selfish, and she hated him, just a little, as she was sitting alone in her room drinking whiskey, alone, because he’d left her, he’d left her and he didn’t say dorky things with that smile of his and she hadn’t had to roll her eyes in over a week and the world didn’t make sense. 

She took another sip of the alcohol and let it burn along with her anger. She put down the glass on the table beside her bed. Then she stood up, knelt down and pulled a black sport bag from under the bed. She walked over to her closet, opened the doors and began to throw random pieces of clothing on the bed. Her hands were still shaking and she hated it, she hated him, she hated, she hated, she hated, she loved-

There was a knock at the door.

Daisy didn’t even wait for an invitation, she just came in.

She looked at the messy pile of clothes and raised her eyebrows. “Going somewhere?”

Melinda stopped in her tracks, a black t-shirt in her hand, her eyes burning. “I’m going after him.”

Daisy shifted, a little uncomfortably. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

Melinda glared at her. “He’s being an idiot.” She put down the shirt but kept his eye contact. “This is his life. Somebody has to remind him, and let him know that he’s being an idiot.” She felt her pulse go up. “He can’t just run away, only leaving a note behind. ‘I’m leaving S.H.I.E.L.D. Take care. Coulson.’” She clenched her teeth. That was it? 30 years, and that’s all he was gonna say to her? _No._ She looked at Daisy again. “He’s gonna have to give us more than a note. After everything we’ve been through, after everything we’ve survived together, he owes us at least that, he owes us some kind of explanation, and-”

Daisy cut her off. “Yes, I agree. But you’re both upset right now, maybe you should give each other some space and then, when you’ve both calmed down a bit, you can-”

“No.” She opened the bag and stuffed the shirts in. Daisy winced at her poor packing job. She zipped the bag shut when no more shirts could fit.

She threw the bag over her shoulder and took the first couple of steps towards the door, when Daisy put a hand on her arm to stop her.

She tensed up and her voice got dark. “Daisy, let me go.”

She shook her head. “No.”

She gritted her teeth and tried very hard not to punch Daisy in the face. “Let me go, Daisy.”

Daisy shook her head again. “No. First, you have no idea where he could be.” She raised her eyebrows. “And I’m not helping you with that because, second, you’re acting completely irrational, and if you go to him now, you’ll just ruin everything and you would never forgive yourself for that.” Daisy looked at her, her eyes stern. “You’re not going anywhere.” She raised her eyebrows again. “Don’t be stupid.”

“What am I supposed to do, then?” She’d wanted her voice to be as cold as she wanted to give the impression of being, but it quivered. “Am I supposed to just wait here while he’s-”

“Leaving you?” Daisy’s eyes met hers and this time, they were soft. “Yes.”

Melinda shook her head. “No. He doesn’t have the right to make that choice, not like this, not after what he did-”

“The only thing he did was wanting to leave and not knowing how to tell you.”

Her words felt like a blow to the chest.

“He didn’t even say goodbye.” Her voice was definitely shaking now and she hated this weakness, she hated that he brought this weakness out in her, she hated, she hated, she hated…

“I love him.”

Daisy’s eyes widened for a fraction of a second, but she gathered herself quickly.

“I love him” she continued, and she’d given up on trying to hide her breaking heart from being reflected in her voice, “and he didn’t even…”

Daisy stepped closer. She was focusing on trying not to let the tears flow over, and didn’t even notice what Daisy was about to do until her arms were already around her.

“He wanted to. I know that he wanted to.” Daisy’s voice was shaking and Melinda let herself lean against her and she cried, and she cried, and she cried.

 

She sat with her phone in her hand. She’d searched his number, and it was now on the screen. The ‘call’ option shone in her eyes, mocking her. She locked the phone. He didn’t need her. He’d made that pretty clear. He didn’t need her, but the team did. She’d have to lead them now. She hated him for leaving her with that, for leaving her with heartbroken kids who felt like one of their strongest parents figures had left them. He was a coward and her anger made it difficult to breathe and she still loved him. She hated that she loved him. She hated that she needed him. She hated him.

She threw the phone on the bed and went to the kids. He didn’t need her. She needed to focus on those who did.

 

Phil took another sip of his whiskey. It felt weird drinking alone. He hadn’t done that in over four years. Melinda had always drank with him, had always been there through every moment resulting in needing a drink, and now…

He’d miss her. It’d been nine days and he already missed her. Holy hell, in two months he’d be an absolute mess.

He picked up his glass of whiskey again and swallowed it all in one go. He put a 20 dollar on the counter and searched for the bartenders eyes. “Another, please.” She looked at him like he was one of those middle-aged men who sat in a bar at 2 am on a Wednesday because they’d lost everything that mattered and had nothing to stay sober for anymore. He looked at the clock and smirked. Guess she was right. He was that guy now.

She picked up the bill and looked at him with an expression that looked so much like Daisy, his heart hurt. He’d left her too. She’d been left by everyone she’d ever cared about in her life. Now he was one of those people. He was a piece of shit.

He must’ve stared, ‘cause the woman started looking at him like he was one of those creepy drunk guys who hit on 25 year younger women. “I’m sorry.” His voice was raspy and she glanced his way. “I didn’t mean to…” He tried to smile. “You look like my daughter, that’s all.”

She poured him another drink while softly shaking her head. “Does she know that you’re here?”

He scoffed. “You mean does she know that this is what I’ve become?” He took another sip of the whiskey and stared down at his glass. “No.”

The bar was nearly empty. The bartender started clearing the glasses on the disk. “We’re closing soon.” She stopped for a second. “Should I call someone for you? Your wife, maybe?” 

Melinda’s face appeared before his eyes. Fuck, he’d screwed up. He’d screwed up so bad. She’d probably never forgive him. She’d never be the natural part of his life that she’d been almost as long as he’d known her, again. He’d ruined it. He’d ruined the relationship with the only person who had always looked past all his shit and continued being by his side, no matter what. He’d ruined that. He and no one else. He was the biggest idiot in the world.

He looked down at the bar disk. “She probably won’t answer.”

The bartender continued clearing the disk. “You had a fight?”

He wished. They usually resolved fights. This? How could he ever resolve this?

He shook his head. “No. I’ve been a jerk. Treated her like shit.”

The bartender stopped what she was doing and looked at him. Her eyes had suddenly gotten an aggressive glow. “You cheated on her?”

Like if he’d be so unbelievable lucky that Melinda May was actually his wife, he’d ever, ever want anyone else ever again.

“No. I left.”

The bartender slightly tilted her head. “Why?”

He looked up at her. She smiled, a little nervous. “I mean, I don’t mean to pry, but you seem absolutely miserable.”

Of course he was.

He bit his lip and looked down again. “Yeah. But the situation we were in…”

He thought back to the last few months. How every day had felt like walking through fog that never ended. How he’d begun to question if saving the world really was worth not even feeling like he was a part of the world he so desperately had given his whole life to protect. 

And her… He’d tried protecting her, too. He’d tried protecting the kids. He’d failed and they’d all gotten hurt. What good was he when he couldn’t even protect his team, his _family_ , from hurt and everything horrible in this world? He gave up everything, his life, his freedom, for what? For failing in everything he was supposed to be able to do?

He took a breath. “I just couldn’t go on.”

The bartender blew air out of her nose. 

“What?”

She shook her head. “You can’t exactly go on like this either.”

He felt his heart clench in his chest. “No.” 

Melinda was there again. Her smile, her rolling her eyes at him, her gently touching his arm and staying up with him whole nights, calming him with her soft voice. “I thought knowing that she’d be ok without me, maybe even better off, that that would be enough but…” He was selfish.

“…but you love her.”

 _Yes._ He was so tired of lying to himself. He loved her, dammit. And he’d fucking screwed it up. She wouldn’t even be his friend after this. She wouldn’t be in his life anymore. He’d done that. That was all his doing. His alone.

The bartender turned on the lights. “Go home.”

He scoffed. “To my hotel room?”

She shook her head. “No. To h _er._ ”

 

He’d been back for two days now. He’d just walked in, dressed in a suit, looking like absolute shit and all the kids had ran up to him and hugged him and he’d whispered apologizes to them. She hadn’t heard what he’d been saying, but his eyes had been glossy and she’d known. She’d stood in the corner, arms crossed, and she hadn’t let a single emotion show on her face. He’d looked at her from above Daisy’s head, and his eyes had made her want to rush into his arms saying it was ok, of course it was ok, and she’d forgive him, of course she’d forgive him because she was so happy, so damn happy he was back, she’d forgive him for everything as long as he stayed.

But he’d broken her heart. He’d broken her whole entire heart.

He’d untangled himself from the kids and looked at her with pleading eyes and her heart had wanted to melt, her heart had been in her hands and it'd been slipping through her fingers.

She’d turned her back and walked away. 

The tears that burned her eyes hadn’t started falling until she’d closed her bedroom door behind her.

 

He should’ve know. He should’ve know he couldn’t just come back and expect her to welcome him with open arms. 

But her eyes being ice cold? Him taking a step towards her, reaching out, being prepared to beg on his knees for her forgiveness and her rejecting his gesture so totally, so instantly? It was like a million stabs to the heart and his legs almost went down under him. 

Daisy put her hand on his arm. “She’s just hurt. She’ll come around. She’ll forgive you, she’ll-”

“I don’t deserve it.” He swallowed down his heartbreak. “I don’t deserve her forgiveness.” He met Daisy’s eyes. “I can’t ask anything of her. I don’t deserve it.” He wasn’t sure if he ever had.

 

It’d been five days now. Seeing him hurt hurt her even more. So she’d been trying to avoid him, as much as she could. Which had been surprisingly easy, considering that he avoided her too. That made her relieved, but angry. He couldn’t just escape her anger, her heartbreak, their ruined relationship. _He_ had ruined them. She would call him out on it. No way she was just letting him get away with taking the best friend she’d ever had away from her.

So she swallowed her pride and marched to his office.

 

He was sitting at his desk, thinking about her and feeling his heart bleeding, when suddenly, she was there.

His heart beat loudly in his chest. He didn’t dare to breathe.

She looked angrier than he’d seen her in a long time, possibly ever. Now was a really good time to shut up.

“Why did you leave?”

He swallowed. “I didn’t know why is was doing this anymore.Giving up everything for S.H.I.E.L.D.”

“Do you know now?”

He shook his head.

Melinda tightened up even more. “Why did you come back then?”

 _Her._ He couldn’t say that. “I don’t know-”

She clenched her teeth and leaned closer over his desk. Her eyes were so dark, he wanted to run away and hide. “Don’t you _dare_ say that you don’t know.”

He took a breath. This was it. All or nothing. “I came back because of you.”

She seemed to become startled by that. She pulled away a little, her eyes wide. She quickly gathered her self back into her ‘I will kick your ass and you better believe it’ mode, however. “Elaborate.”

He shrugged. “I missed you and I’d hurt you and I couldn’t handle having you hate me forever, even though you have every right to, I had to come back and at least try to fix-”

“Why?”

He looked at her, confused. She sighed in irritation. “Why did you have to fix it?”

Was she kidding? Was it possible she didn’t know?

“You’re important to me.”

She took a breath and pulled away, as if she had to create distance between them. She stood further away now, arms crossed and her body language as it’d been when he’d first returned.

“What does that mean?”

“That you’re important to me?”

“Yes.”

He looked right at her, his eyes open. She deserved the truth. All or nothing. “That my life doesn’t make sense if you’re not in it.”

She just looked at him. He was terrified. He’d never come as close to admitting his feelings for her as this before.

“What does _that_ mean?”

He furrowed his brows. “What do you mean ‘what does that’-”

She silenced him with a death stare and crossed her arms even tighter to her chest. She was trying to protect herself, he realized. But from what?

“I mean” she continued, through partly gritted teeth, “that you’re walking in circles and not answering my question.”

He was scared to ask, flinching, preparing himself for the worst. “Which is?”

“What are your feelings towards me?”

His heart froze. _Oh shit._ “Well, you’re my favorite person and my best friend-”

She shook her head. “No.”

He was getting desperate. He would blurt out those three words any second now if she didn’t stop looking at him with this terrifying ‘interrogation face.’ “What do you want from me?” His voice was slightly shaking. He prayed she didn’t notice.

“I want something real. Something’s that concrete, not just these bullshit lines you keep spitting out.”

“Something like…?”

“Tell me you need me.”

He stared at her. Her body softened and she avoided his eyes.

“I do.” He stood up and walked closer to her. He was very aware that there was a risk he’d get a punch in the stomach or a kick in the teeth, but that was a risk he had to take. 

He stopped when he was so close, he could smell her flower shampoo. “That’s why I came back. I need you.” His voice was vulnerable now. He didn’t give a shit.

She blinked up at him and took a breath, her eyes filling with tears. “You didn’t even say goodbye.” She furiously wiped away her tears and took a step back. “You piece of shit. You didn’t even say goodbye.”

She broke the last remaining pieces of his heart. “I know. And it was selfish. It was so selfish, but I couldn’t, it was so-” He sighed and looked down. “Saying goodbye to you would’ve broken me.”

“Why?”

Her voice was quiet, now, her arms loosely draped around her and everything about her was soft but it was painted in so much hurt he almost exploded and-

“I love you.”

There. It was out.

She looked at him, eyes big, and then she looked away again. She breathed slowly and started turning inwards, away from him.

He let out a sad chuckle. “I’m sorry. The lady at he bar said I should tell you, but then again she also thought we were married, so-”

“You’re serious?”

He nodded. “Yeah, she kinda assumed and I didn’t exactly correct her, and-”

Melinda shook her head, frustrated. “No. Do you love me?”

“Yes.” He didn’t miss a beat.

She paused for a second. Then she walked up to him. He couldn’t breathe.

She put her hands on his arms and her eyes flickered. He just stood there, waiting for his life to change. Because either way this would go, his life would change.

She reached up a hand and placed it on his cheek. “You idiot.” 

He smiled at the affection in her voice. “I’m aware.”

She stood up on her toes and kissed his forehead. The she kissed his cheek, then his other cheek, and then his mouth. She ran her fingers through his hair. “Sad for me that I have to be in love with such a big idiot.”

A smile spread through his entire body. “You’re in love with me?”

She rolled her eyes. “Yes.” Then she paused, her expression slightly shifting. “And you’re in love with me?”

“Is the pope catholic?” 

She rolled her eyes, again. “What was this about us being married?”

He smirked. “Ah, yes. Long story.”

She leaned into his chest and he put his arms around her. “It’s ok” she whispered. “If you’re ever as much as thinking about leaving without me ever again, I’ll tie you to the pilot chair next to mine for the rest of eternity.” She looked up, her eyes glimmering. “So, we’ll have time.”

**Author's Note:**

> i was prompted.
> 
> ily!!! thank you so much for continuing to read/leave kudos/comment on my fics, means a whole lot xx
> 
> hugs!


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